Tabula Rasa

Haven't been writing anything lately (and for a good reason) so this is yet another anchor post. We know how well those work after all...

Roughly, current situation is that I'm stuck down in Colombia for a couple seasons as I stabilize my health issues. The great news (and I cannot overstate this) are that my clinical depression was finally diagnosed as stemming from a micro-sized tumor making pressure in my pituitary gland, sending all sorts of chaotic hormonal signal, the result being all the symptoms of clinical depression without having a clear source, family history and most importantly, resisting all sorts of psychiatric medication.
And the reason why being told I have a brain tumor is good news is that there's easy treatment for it. Treatment that is already working in ways that the previous didn't even hope of achieving and in a couple months the damn thing will fully dissipate, reduced to nothing.

So, looking back on the last couple of wasted years. AND has been shelved for who knows how long, and I don't even know how to get around the script now, seeing that the original was a reflection of the time. Plus I feel silly now, having lost so much time over some moronic disease.

Anyway, time to start over. Projects, projects to do. Already started planning for a Parsee doujin, a project that I sadly abandoned when I started sinking. Doing some short story writing, mostly unpostable drafts so far, but getting there. I think I will switch my theme radically, one can only do so much with Anonymous Futures, specially since I barely go back to the boards now.
Some coding projects, a web app for managing anime of the season easily. Yeah, uTorrent RSS filters does most of it already, but I intend to simplify. Plus some HTML5 practice is always nice. Plus an Android app for Reach Mahjong. Haven't found anything decent in the market in english, so might as well fill that niche.

That's it. I'm not dead, finally feeling better (not counting those brief bouts of baseless optimism when I tried to fight my way out. Turns out GUTS are not the only thing needed to pull yourself out) and getting back into the production dynamic, even if it's barely Anonymous related anymore.

Also, plugging the eMouto devs. They're pretty cool guys and I wish I was confident enough to let people trust me again so I could help out. But for now, lend them your support.

Lord Cake

And now, for something completely different

Click images for original size.

It's funny, I've been editing this on and off for months, only because Lord Cake's message has resonated with me for years. Only now have I found the motivation to finish it. Hopefully it will inspire some like it did for me. But chances most will just be entertained with it. It's all good.

Back in Canada, stabilized treatment and stuff. A new year, a new chance to make everything right by me. So far things are going great, so there's not much to worry about. That depressive episode last year was pretty bad, but that's what happens with SSRI. So it goes.

Blog will see some actual writing soon enough too, been polishing a good one for some weeks now.

As a closer, think I should mention the author's pixiv profile. Don't think his doujins are translated though.

3 ideas before sleeping

• As an old man dies, he realizes there will be nothing more after the maddening white rooms of the hospital. Desperate, he starts to dream up a perfect world. Reality leaks in, things like the steady sound of the respirator and other machines, but he manages to block them out in longer intervals. Towards the end, he has forgotten about the hospital bed, the smell of ammonia and the beeping of the machines keeping him alive. An eternity of being young again and doing the things he didn't get to do in life. Then void.
• 'Christmas Cake' character becomes a magical girl. Contrast of innocence and black and white morals with someone that has more life experience, however depressing it might be. As she improves her image and realizes most are brats with too much power, she grows to become more a realistic villain. Fighting for her ideal, genuinely thinking she's doing right when she smacks down little girls. 
• Just before they throw the switch for a gargantuan physics experiment (not unlike the LHC), the director of the project notices that a lot of new faces are streaming into the observation room. They say nothing, just take some notes and whisper at times to each other. It dawn on him that these are all future observers that have shown interest on this particular event for some reason. Fearing a paradox if he suspends everything, he continues with the procedure. Things don't go as planned and the data doesn't accommodate to what is known in physics. The observers start to quietly leave, but not before he asks out loud in frustration what does it all mean. One of the older observers turns back, his face oddly familiar, and says it's up to him to figure it out now. One last look at the data seems to show some pattern on what seemed like random noise.

Getting into writing again. All sparked because I was dining with a group of people earlier tonight (hated it, it takes a lot of people to make you feel really alone), one of them said that their previous comic project fell through and if I had any ideas. They had no idea of my current situation and I didn't feel like explaining that due to the meds and depression I couldn't write properly.

Still, I took the opportunity to be silent and staring into the distance to think something. I had a proper proposal for the magical christmas cake woman before they brought in the dessert.

I still got it, bitches.

███████, glorious ███████

In the walls of the cubicle there were three orifices. To the right of the speakwrite, a small pneumatic tube for written messages, to the left, a larger one for newspapers; and in the side wall, within easy reach of Winston's arm, a large oblong slit protected by a wire grating. This last was for the disposal of waste paper. Similar slits existed in thousands or tens of thousands throughout the building, not only in every room but at short intervals in every corridor. For some reason they were nicknamed memory holes. When one knew that any document was due for destruction, or even when one saw a scrap of waste paper lying about, it was an automatic action to lift the flap of the nearest memory hole and drop it in, whereupon it would be whirled away on a current of warm air to the enormous furnaces which were hidden somewhere in the recesses of the building.

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

[REDACTED]

Things will only get better.

In other news, my depression has been receding. No longer nauseous all the time, started a light exercise regiment, and I'm doing good in my courses and TA duties. Who knows, maybe this was the last thing I needed to finally turn things around.

Also, if you're one of those that keeps coming back in here and leaving comments, thank you. It's good to know I haven't let everyone down and that there's still hope left for me. And if you care, please don't repost/link this on the boards. Sure, I'm no longer bound by ███████████, but there's a level of implied respect for █████████. Just want to get my thoughts written down for future me to check. (Remember, it wasn't just because of ██████████, or having to ███████████████. It was because █████ was an ████████ that provoked ███████ and didn't █████████ or ███████ after █████████)
Everything is going to be great from now on.

All of my hate

Been back in Canada for a few months now.

Still get some serious depression spells.

Creative power still gone, and I just realized I hadn't written anything in practically a year.

This makes not only sad, even though I've been improving a lot, but angry at myself. Fucking useless, can't even do a single post thing, much less a VN or a doujin.

I said this before, that I wouldn't be able to write again. It took me like 2 years to get back to it, and only to a mediocre level. This might not be permanent is what I'm saying, but it sure feels like it.

Also, [REDACTED]

Sorry for the rambling, stupid post. I was looking for something I had written ages ago and realized, it was like 3 years ago. I am a pathetic excuse of a writefag, the Choose Your Own Adventure kiddies are better than me now.

So, as I said, all of my hate.

Back to an old name

Anchor blog post. You don't care, trust me.

I've been debating if I should post this and share what is essentially a private affair, but might as well.
Currently I am back in Colombia for a period of time. The reason is that I'm trying to recover from a clinical depression episode I had in Canada. The reason is unknown, we're pointing it to be a combination of variables. Loneliness, sudden change into a whole new world, too much of a rush of going straight into grad studies after undergrad, and of course, the effect that winter and snow has on a latin guy that has never dealt with such a depressive season.

So, therapy and a cocktail of antidepressants and mood stabilizers for me, along with a period of introspection and figuring out what to do with my life and if I'm even doing what makes me happy.

On the bright side, I'm getting better. Almost a year since the first symptoms and getting diagnosed. It's been a wild ride, but I'm finally stabilizing. Learning bass guitar as a method to focus and spent two weeks just exploring Colombia. Been living here for most of my life and still there was so much I didn't know of it.

I walked on the colonial walled city of Cartagena under a warm, sticky summer rain. Trekked a jungle path for hours to get to a secluded beach cove in Tayrona. Built sand castles, saw the Chicamocha Canyon, spent a night in a hacienda, visited the restored building of the Holy Spanish Inquisition, got lost in Medellin and discovered that I can't get sun burnt. At all.

So there. As for writing, haven't done anything lately. Creativity is one of the first things to go, and I still don't know if one of the meds messed up with my ability to narrate fluently. But the AND gang is getting together and trying to revive the project. Guess it's time to step up to the plate and this time not let anyone down.


Too long; didn't read/care: Nothing but excuses, but ends with an optimistic note. 

Beloved tomboyish daughter

The snow crunches satisfactorily under her feet as she walks. She could float instead, leave the winter scenery that the forest of magic offers completely unperturbed. But there are days when it's better to feel the snow under your feet.
For Letty, today was one of those days.

Her steps were certain but sporadic, as if she was heading towards a definite goal but didn't know where that place was exactly. For all purposes, she was wandering around, lost and with no destination in mind. Only a small pack held tightly against her chest.

She felt the wind first. Like a whirlwind going through the forest, fierce and chaotic. Heading right towards her. Her legs stopped moving, turning towards the source of the disturbance.
She let her arms down, and prepared to receive the incoming ballistic fairy.

Crashing headfirst into her body, the whirlwind stopped in front of her. Blue hair turned upward revealing the smiling face of a bratty little girl.
"Hey!" she exclaimed.

"Hello Cirno" she answered slowly, putting her hand on her head.
"Hehe" Cirno floated back, bobbing up to eye level. Letty knew that she preferred it that way and not be treated like a child. She retired her hand, grabbing the pack with both hands once again.
"Were you playing Cirno?"
"Hmn." she nodded energetically. "It's a good day to explore."

Looking at her, she certainly looked like she had been exploring the frozen forest, her dress dirty and a couple of scratches on her arms. She kept giggling, her energy focused there for the moment. But in any moment she would shoot away for something new.
Letty swept away with her hand a couple of broken sticks from her hair. It was the best she could do for her. The scratches worried here, but she knew Cirno would be alright.
She smiled at the realization she had come to.

"I have a little present for you" she said, rising the package into view.
Cirno's eyes widened, her whole face caught up in utter surprise.
"What is it? What is it?" she asked excitedly, floating around faster, fighting the urge to just grab it.
"Here you go"
The paper shredded in seconds, as she ripped it open to reveal its secrets.

A long wool scarf flowed down from her hands, as Cirno looked at it puzzled.
"What is it?"
"It's a scarf," Letty said as she grabbed it and started putting it around Cirno's neck. "It's something you wear when it's cold."
Cirno stood really still, following with her eyes her hands as they turned around her. Finally, she tugged on it a bit until it fit snugly.
Pulling back her hands, she looked as she hovered confused, touching the warm fabric around her.
"It looks good on you." She said with a smile.
"It's... warm"
"Do you like it?"
A brief pause as she finished examining it.
"Yeah!" She smiled back. "Thank you Lady!"

The hug caught her by surprise at first, but then she surrounded the small fairy's body with her arms and held her closely. She was happy, really happy, and that made her happy in turn.

"A present!" Cirno pulled away suddenly. "I will give a present too!"
"Oh no, there's no need for that." Letty said, but she was already flying away, picking up speed.
"Be careful Cirno!" she yelled, hoping it would reach her. All she had for an answer was the distant image of her waving goodbye.

The forest was quickly as peaceful and silent as a few minutes before. Letty started walking once again, wondering this time what kind of present Cirno would get her.
It was a good day to play on the snow after all.

--
Wrote this as I first began to experience the Canadian winter season. It's spring now, but it sure doesn't feel like it, still get some snow and there are cold gusts of wind. What I'm really surprised with is how fast I got used to a lower average temperature, t-shirt weather for me is now around 16 degrees, when back in Colombia I would wear a jacket with 20 degrees. 
Anyway, main reason for this was that I'm tired of Cirno's depiction in fanon as this nineball, almost moronic character. She is lovable damn you, and her relationship with Letty and the cyclical nature of the seasons makes up for something more interesting than "I'm the strongest!".


Pretty good reception, repost it every few months when the Cirno spam gets too much in /jp/. This is more of a footnote for future AoC, but someone actually liked it so much they said it brought them back hope in Cirno as a good character. Can't forget, no matter how low things get, some people still enjoy what I write. Tomorrow will be another day after all.


Don't know why I never took credit for this. Not in the boards, not here. Still, some recognized the style. But it makes for a update. 


Might get back into writing online again. For the past few months, I've been using my sands for a creative group writing for a webcomic. It's nice to get the juices flowing, but it's just not the same when you're sharing the vision for a given universe with other people. Still, a chance to get a clockworkpunk world of decadence into ink, plus talking to people every once in a while. Better than staying inside doing nothing.


That's it for now. Sorry I took so much space with blogging, but a update is a update. After six months, but I'm still alive.